Description: This term for writing we worked on stories about camp the could be informational, entertaining, persuasive or about your self. I wrote to entertain people because I like entertainment nor than all the other things I mentioned. Here is my writing/draft. There will be more I'm just not up to that stage yet.
On the way to camp we went in buses. It was pouring down with rain when our bus broke down and we had to walk to camp. Six people died of the cold and three others died by drowning because the rain was so thick in some places. When we got there the boys went on a discover El-Rancho trip. We got back and no one got hurt so I thought that our recent bad luck was all gone. Now this is where I was wrong. Lachlan was setting up his bed with the rest of the people in his cabin. Those people were me, Luke, Angus, Toby and Sam. Lachlan accidentally dropped his torch in his sleeping bag so he went head first into it to retrieve it. But he got stuck and ran out of air and died. Then we went to the stone hall. We got into groups and headed out to our first activity. Unfortunately three groups got so excited one group died of a heart attack another one died because they ran to get to their activity and slipped on the slippery stone and cracked their heads open and brains squeezed their way out and slopped all over the floor. We all went more slowly after that. Our first activity was the pool.( If you dislike gore and blood and guts I suggest ending the story now before you puke. Also if you have a seizure problem please consult a doctor before reading this as you may die. Thanks Jayden.)
We headed to the pools for the swim unfortunately we had to go in the nude because all our clothes were wet. Now as you would know that was not good because there was a mixture of boys and girls in the groups so most of our group fainted of embarrassment and two others wanted to try their luck with swimming in the pool because they didn't know how to swim. One of them drowned and turned so pale he could have been paper. The other one was rescued just before he died and was puking up water on the side of the pool. He puked so much that at first he puked blood, and then he puked out his gut, and then his heart and then he died. And that was the end of the pools. So on to our next activity…
Archery. Now as you probably know this will be very dangerous if you have bad luck which obviously have. So this is how it went. We got taught how to use bows by the instructors. When one instructor showed us how to draw back a bow the bow string snapped and whipped out his eye so we had to replace it with a rock we found outside to stop the bleeding. The other instructor vomited. After we went back to school and our parents picked us up and took us home.
Feedback. I like how you have a start middle and end
Feedforward. Next time you could add more juicy words